TOUCHDOWN IN L.A!

Just under 14 hours with a juicy tailwind landed me in Los Angeles on Friday morning at about 7 a.m West Coast time.

It had taken almost as long to shit fight my way through Sydney Airport only a few hours earlier. 

If it is possible to break down such a stressful experience into bite-size pieces, it becomes apparent how readily things could burst apart at the seams for any reason.at any given time.

Getting to the airport in less than an hour in Friday morning traffic would seem to be an important first box to tick.

Processing 4 large and rather unusual items of luggage through check-in was never going to be easy and I fully expected a tidy excess baggage fee to accompany my almost 80 kilograms worth of gear on board the aircraft.

A near-90-minute queue to eventually arrive at a check-in desk helped prolong the inevitable and it perhaps was not as bad as expected; although probably more due my meticulous packing methods than anything else.

I could sense the desk clerk desperately wanting it to be more difficult than it it was as I began smiling inwardly, observing the mother-and-daughter team next to me being asked to partially re-pack both of their smallish suitcases in situ.

As my gear weighed in correctly piece-by-piece, there was nothing obvious to contend with, although the fact that neither of my water-proof bags are lockable was an instant referral to a "supervisor".

"There's no guarantees of security on those bags darling," was the "supervisor's" appraisal, as they disappeared down the luggage chute.

"It's OK. That's the risk I run," I responded in kind.

And I was indeed charged some for excess - AUD$264.60 which was on top of the standard AUD$200 fee for transporting a bicycle as sporting equipment - the only note-to-self I would make here is the obvious fact that I well could have saved a few bucks by checking-in the offending piece online.

C'est la vie....

Passing through security with several hundred other people is rarely going to be quick, especially not when you then have a bag apprehended and placed in a queue with other questionable items for about 10 minutes.

The contraband was eventually identified as tube of toothpaste which I was immediately forced to bid adieu. 

With the clock now approaching 10 a.m, the 10.05 first call for boarding was, unbelievably, starting to look ambitious. 

The subsequent customs checkpoint also did not offer any obvious fast-track at first glance as the teeming queues persisted, although it did actually prove to be the quickest "through" of the morning.

I was left with about -5 minutes then to march on down to gate 56, grabbing a couple of food items on the way and finally being asked to produce a second form of ID before being allowed into the boarding area.

Apparently I look much "younger" on my 2007 passport photo these days...

Who would have thought..???

NOW....AT THE OTHER END....

The next stage of the morning provided two primary concerns.

Firstly, retrieving all of my luggage intact was immediately paramount to my mental and emotional well-being. 

As was getting through the bastards at the gate.

My previous experiences with U.S Immigration officials back in 2004 did not leave me with any warm or fuzzy feelings.

In fact quite the opposite.

Any expectations of being greeted with open arms and an invitation to the pub for some welcome beers were low to non-existent.

Not that their job is a social one, but certainly a "Good morning, how are you today? Passport please." would not be an unreasonable way to improve the bed-side manner and public perception along with it.

Likewise, my expectation levels on this were low.

Expect nothing and then you're not disappointed, so they say.

I guess sometimes, "they" can actually be right.

"Good morning sir. Your passport please." 2 out of 3 I felt was at least a pass mark for this female official.

A few standard but fairly non-threatening questions followed, all of which I answered honestly and concisely.

The thump of the stamp making contact with a page in your passport, is always a welcome relief when travelling but I reckon it's worth at least another 100 satisfaction points when the U.S is involved.

For whatever reasons, previous events of 9/11 included, they are by degrees more suspicious, belligerent and ruthless than anywhere else I have ever travelled, Israel included, and I would never recommend anything but full compliance.

Get your paperwork 100% in order, be polite, speak when spoken to although do stop short of trying to humor them. Probably a low-percentage play this one....

Now free to proceed with my customs declaration in hand, I now could sense the street noises of Los Angeles approaching from outside.

Another brief queue and some almost "off the record" questions from the customs officer who seemed genuinely interested that I was entering the United States to ride a bicycle from Los Angeles to Vancouver.

He did make me proceed to a secondary checkpoint however, as I had declared some food items.

After handing in my 2 bananas, the final indignity of having to shovel every last item of my bulky luggage through the X-Ray conveyor completed my "process of passage" into the United States of America, this time around.

What a fucking relief.....